Releasing resentment

Welcome to This Daring Adventure podcast where we work on bridging the gap between where we are and where we want to be in order to live a bigger and bolder life. In this podcast, we will provide inspiration, tips, and skills you need to make your life the adventure you want it to be. Here's your host, mindset, mentor, and life coach, Trista Guertin.

Hey everybody. Welcome back to This Daring Adventure. So I had my masterclass last night Thrive in 2025, and I enjoy these classes. I think they're a lot of fun. I love to see people show up live and to meet them. We had a, just a few minutes to talk afterwards and there were some really great people who showed up and I always appreciate that and I know the timing for some of you doesn't work if you're in the UK or you're in the Middle East. So I promise the next one I will be doing it will be at a time that suits you as well. So I'll try and do it like early afternoon here. but they're really fun and I do record them. So if you weren't able to catch it live, I sent out the replay right after I, when I started, I didn't realize I was talking and I probably talked for the first seven minutes without any sound, That was some sort of technical setting. I don't know what I did. But yeah, so I had to start again. Everybody was really patient and really gracious, and thank you for that, if you were there. I tell you, one of the things that has really taught me the most, and it's helped me to grow the most is learning all of this technology. And it's not the same now as it was back when I first started because I was putting together my website and all the things, but starting your business like this, especially when you know you're not spending a lot of money initially on help and set up and whatnot. You're trying to figure it out yourself, which is really helpful because now I understand things and when I do pay someone to do some of these things, I can understand what they're saying and I can give better direction and we can work together. So it's useful for sure, but it is frustrating. But I have to say, if you are. Considering starting your own business, doing any of these things, starting your own podcast, don't let it stop you and don't let it hold you back. Things are gonna go wrong. There are going to be fails. Not all the time. Something like that doesn't happen to me very often, but I will tell you it feels devastating in the moment. Mortifying, I think was the word I used, but people are kind, people are patient, they're understanding, and luckily I had a great group. Last night and it was a lot of fun. So keep your eyes and ears open for the next one. I haven't decided exactly what it is, but it will be published soon, probably for the beginning of September, and I look forward to seeing you there. Alright, so today I wanted to talk about a session that I had with a client. And we're gonna dive into her experience, but it's a pretty common human experience and a painful one. And it's when people don't show up the way we, they promised they would. And so I'm sharing an overview of a coaching conversation that I recently had that completely shifted the way my client looked at the issue, and I will call her Nicole. And she came carrying a weight that was, quite heavy. She had lost her husband eight months prior to suicide, and she was in the middle of grief. But also resentment so thick, it was really suffocating her. It was adding an extra layer of suffering to the grief that she was already experiencing. So Nicole's story started where so many of ours do with, well-meaning people who made promises in the moment of a crisis and her husband died, leaving her with a 4-year-old daughter. Friends and family were there to support her and continue to make offers of support. If you need anything, they said just call. We'll drop everything. We'll be there for you. But what actually happened next, and I bet some of you can understand this and are nodding along, is that when she actually needed help and when she reached out to some of these people who had promised to be there, many of them simply weren't. Now, Nicole, being the incredibly capable woman that she is figuring things out. She's doing the work and she did it every single time she needed to do it. She handled the childcare, she managed the business emergency. She took care of whatever needed taken care of, and she and her daughter were not just surviving, but they're thriving. But, and this is the crucial part, is that she was doing it all while carrying this massive burden of anger and resentment. She had what we call a manual for these people for how they should behave and they weren't following it. And the worst part is that she felt like she hadn't made this manual up out of nowhere. They had written it themselves with their promises. They had made offers to help. So you can imagine her frustration, her sense of betrayal. Nicole was living with a constant soundtrack in her head that when something like this, they said they would help. They lied. They don't really care about me or my daughter. I'm handling everything, but I shouldn't have to. And here is what was happening. All of that mental energy, all of that emotional bandwidth that was being consumed by anger and resentment was energy that wasn't available for her moving forward, for building her business, for being present with her daughter and for healing. Now, when Nicole brought this to me, I laid out three options for her, three ways she could handle this situation. Option one was to stay mad and resentful, keep swimming in the misery of, they said they would help and they didn't just marinate in that anger indefinitely. Option two was figure out how to make them help her. And as I told her, if we could crack that code, we'd be rich because controlling other people's behavior is the holy grail. That doesn't exist. You can't do it. Option three was to keep doing exactly what she was already doing, taking care of business, handling her life, being the badass she clearly was, but drop the resentment and anger. Nicole's resistance to option three was immediate and visceral. And when I dug into why we discovered something really interesting, she said, maybe they don't love me or my daughter enough to step up. This is the story that she was telling herself. And I said, maybe you're right, but you do. In all of her focus on what other people weren't doing. Nicole had lost sight of what she was doing. She was so busy being angry at them for not showing up, that she couldn't see how magnificently she was showing up for herself and her daughter. So here's where the real coaching magic happened. I asked Nicole to consider two different stories about her experience. Story one was I made it through because everyone stepped up and supported me exactly how I needed them to. Story two, I asked for help and sometimes I got it and sometimes I didn't. But I took care of business. I took care of me and my daughter, and I was strong enough to handle whatever came my way. When there was help, I loved it when there wasn't, I had me. So, which story is more empowering? Nicole was so attached to the first story, to the idea that she needed other people's support to validate her worth and their love, but she couldn't see the incredible strength in story two. But here's what she realized. She was surrounded by loving, supportive people. She just couldn't see it because she had defined support in such a specific way that they couldn't possibly meet her expectations. Did these people love her? Yes. Did they support her? Well, that depended entirely on how she chose to define support. The breakthrough moment came when we looked at what Nicole thought was a fact. They didn't do what they said they would do. This felt so true to her, so factual, so obvious. She was convinced. This was a fact. But here's the thing about facts. Facts don't hurt. Facts are neutral. The pain that Nicole was experiencing wasn't coming from the fact of what people did or didn't do. It was coming from her thoughts about what people did or didn't do. And when we moved, they didn't do what they said they would do from the fact line to the thought line. It's just a thought she was thinking then that's when we could shift everything. Suddenly she could see that this was her interpretation of events, not an objective truth that required her to feel resentful. Instead of focusing on disappointed expectations, we put something different in the fact line. Humans I love and who love me. That's it. That's the fact. Everything else- the story about what they should have done, about what their actions meant, about their love for her, about whether she had support, all of that was negotiable. So I gave Nicole a challenge, and I'm gonna give it to you too, because it was such an interesting challenge. It's a 30 day challenge to go resentment free, just 30 days of loving the people who love you, even though they don't do what they say they were going to do. 30 days of making that okay. Not for them, but for you. You don't have to tell them anything about this, but here's what Nicole discovered and what I want you to understand, the people you're angry at, they don't feel your resentment the way you do. They're not walking around consumed by your anger. You are. You are the one carrying that weight. You are the one paying the price. That energy you're spending on being mad on saying, screw you all in your head, on cutting people off, spite them, that's energy that could be going towards your business, your relationships, your dreams, your healing, all of it. That's where you want your focus to be. That's what's gonna move you forward. So let me ask you. Who are you carrying resentment toward right now? What manual do you have for how other people should behave? And more importantly, what is that costing you? Maybe it's your spouse who doesn't support your dreams the way you think they should. Maybe it's friends who don't check in as often as you'd like. Maybe it's family members who don't help with aging parents the way you think they should. Maybe it's colleagues who don't pull their weight on projects. Every single one of us has some example, but here's what I want you to consider. You have three options with every single one of these situations. You can stay mad and let resentment eat away at your peace and your potential. You can exhaust yourself trying to control other people's behavior, and good luck with that. Or you can do what Nicole learned to do. Handle your business. Love the people in your life for who they are rather than who you think they should be and redirect all of that wasted energy to toward building the life you actually want. So Nicole's story isn't so unique. But I wanted to share that with you because her willingness to examine her thinking and choose a different way forward is what made all the difference. She has a lightness and an ease about her now that she didn't have before. She didn't need those people to change. In order for her to be free, she removed that extra layer of suffering and she just needed to change how she thought about what they were doing. When you stop needing people to be different than they are, you can actually appreciate them for who they are. When you're not constantly measuring their actions against your expectations, you can receive whatever love and support they do offer without bitterness. Nicole realized she wasn't a victim of other people's inability to show up. She was a woman who had shown up for herself and her daughter in the most extraordinary way through the most difficult circumstances imaginable. That's not a consolation prize. That's at the main event that will serve her forever. So. Pick one person this week, your caring resentment towards just one practice. This question, what if their behavior doesn't mean what I think it means about their love for me or my worth? What if the fact that your friend doesn't call you right back doesn't mean she doesn't care? What if your partner's way of showing support looks different than yours? What if your family member's inability to help doesn't mean they love you any less? What if the problem isn't that people don't show up for you, but that you've defined showing up so specifically that they can't possibly win? Listen. You don't need anyone else's permission to be amazing. You don't need their validation to know your worth. You don't need their help to handle your life. Although it's great when it comes, you have you, and that might just be enough. All right. Thank you for joining me today. I hope that was helpful. I loved sharing that story. I loved doing that work with Nicole, and I thought it was so important to share with you if you are interested in doing this work yourself. I have two ways you can work with me now. So I have created a brand new monthly membership called You Redefined. It is $19 a month. It's going to cover all of the work I do in my coaching, all of the tools and the skills, the five pillars, self-concept and identity, mindset management, emotional resilience, building a better relationship with yourself and future. You we're going to have bite-sized videos. We're gonna have worksheets, we're gonna have meditations, tapping sessions, and breathing exercises. Once we get everything up and rolling, we're gonna have live classes and we're gonna have group coaching sessions. This is going to be the absolute best value for $19 a month. It's a steal and. Join now and you'll be one of the founding members. The price won't stay $19 forever, but it's an introductory price. I want to give everybody to get in now and experience these transformations. Learn these tools and skills. Change your life. The second way you can work with me, as always, is in one-to-one coaching. This is my favorite way to work with clients. I have the most amazing one-to-one clients, and I see their progress. I see how powerful this work is for them. And if you are at all interested, I can offer you six sessions or 12 sessions. The consultation is the beginning of the transformation. It's a decision to start to change, so I invite you to come and have a conversation with me. Learn more about both of these options. The link to my calendar will be in the show notes, and I would love to speak to you. I would love to talk to you. I would love to find out what's going on with you and tell you more about how coaching can transform your life. Thank you again for joining me. If you have a moment to rate, review, share and subscribe the podcast, I would truly appreciate that. It helps to put it in front of more women who can find this work and use it to change their lives as well. Take care and I'll see you next week. Bye-bye.